When something is private it means that the information is restricted to certain individuals. When something is a secret it is hidden and unintended for viewing. When something is a secret, it is also private, but when something is private, it may not be a secret. For instance, let's say you get arrested for drunk driving. The arresting officer knows it, the jailor knows it, the person you call to bail you out knows it and you divulge the information to select others on a need to know basis. This is a private matter. But it's not a secret.
Here's another scenario. You are married. You and your spouse have cell phones. Are the contents of your phone private or a secret? If it is private, then your spouse has access to it if he or she chooses. That means there is no information on your phone that would violate the sanctity of the marriage relationship. In other words, there is nothing to hide. Your spouse has the code to unlock your phone and you do not mind leaving it laying around in full view. When this is the case, a spouse may rarely if at all peep your phone.
On the other hand, if you are very protective of the information on your phone, seldom, if at all, leave it lying around or must give your spouse the code upon request and be present when he or she is scrolling through your phone it may be more secret than private!
The problem is that in marriage the notion of 'secret' is a fallacy. God said that the two, husband and wife, would become one flesh. Anytime a husband or wife begins to withhold something from that new 'one flesh' the other will naturally feel it. It will feel uncomfortable and it's supposed to. This pulling away from 'one flesh' is the beginning of a separate life and there is only so much pulling at 'one' before it tears and becomes two. Any attempt to hide in marriage will eventually become apparent. While your spouse may not know exactly what is going on, they will feel something tugging at this 'one flesh.' How we respond to this is important.
In marriage, we should respect each other's privacy and not insist upon our own. Many think marriage works like this: 'I don't hide my cell phone, so my spouse shouldn't either.' Listen, if your spouse is hiding the contents of his or her cell phone it has little, if anything, to do with whether or not you hide your phone! We hide because we are afraid of exposure and the consequences. Adam hid because he was afraid. Genesis 3:10 reads,
"So he said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."
It is wonderful that you do not hide your cell phone. It is equally wonderful that the contents of your phone are available for your spouse to view at will. However, neither of these will resolve your spouse's fear. You are setting a good example and one worthy to be followed. But following must be your spouse's choice, rather than your demand.
So what can you do if your spouse chooses to hide the contents of his or her cell phone? Here are a few things to consider:
1. Connect with your spouse's fear of exposure. Certainly, you have felt this way before. Recall it. You need to remember this experience for compassion sake. You will not enjoin your spouse by sharing your memory. It is to help you relate empathetically with your spouse, not to expose them.
2. Respect you spouse's choice to hide the contents of the phone. Your spouse needs to know that you will not violate his or her boundaries to your own hurt.
3. Express your hurt. Tell your spouse how it makes you feel when he or she hides information from you.
4. Manage your pain. Talk with God about how you feel. Trust God to reveal to you anything that is necessary to the health and vitality of you personally and your marriage relationship. Let God address your fears. And by all means don't go snooping around, or getting others involved in learning the contents of the phone. Everything hidden will be revealed. God, Himself, promises this. When you learn things before its time, you are generally not equipped to respond appropriately and end up making things worse. You are also likely to prolong God intervening!
5. Pray. Ask God to make you a safe place that is necessary for your spouse to choose to come out of hiding. Thank God for drawing your spouse to Himself in this matter and that no weapon intended to steal, kill or destroy this union will prevail.
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