Dealing with angry people in your life is challenging, Some days it seems that anger surrounds us at home, in the workplace, on the roadways and with our extended families. The trick to deal with angry people is to teach yourself to respond rather than react: simply put, this means don't let them push your buttons. Stay in control and you might avoid escalating anger that leads to conflict, hurt feelings, and relationship angst. Following are eight tips to help you do just that:
Tip #1 - Do not respond in kind. Hostility often begets more hostility. For example, you say or do something (or don't do something) that creates anger in someone else. They react by getting angry at you, often known as "push-back." You then up-the-ante in response to their hostility. Soon, it is World War 3 often over an insignificant issue. To avoid this, remember that getting angry or defensive because of another person's anger is only one possible response. Read on to learn others.
Tip #2 - Take Their Upset seriously and validate their feelings about the issue at hand. Listen to what they have to say and hear them out. Ignoring them or minimizing their feelings will tend to escalate their anger further. Dismissing their feelings as unimportant works people up rather than calming them down. As an example of this, there have been many workplace violence incidents in the last several years that could have been averted or minimized had supervisors or business owners listened with empathy to disgruntled employees rather than reacting in a way seen by the employee as insensitive or uncaring.
Tip #3 - Never argue with someone when they (or you) are intoxicated or under the influence of any mood altering substance. In some cases, this fuels domestic violence or other unpleasant but predictable consequences. Among other negative things, being under the influence impairs judgment, decreases inhibitions (resulting in saying things you may not mean), and distorts normally astute reasoning ability.
Tip #4 - When under verbal attack by someone, force yourself to be mindful and sensitive to what may be underneath the anger. Often anger is just the tip of the iceberg. To defuse it, try responding to and dealing with the often huge part of the iceberg that is beneath the surface. Common underlying emotions are fear, embarrassment, anxiety, or resentment.
Tip #5 - Allow angry people to physically escape the situation, if they need to. Do NOT block their way or prevent egress, or even follow them from room to room trying to make your point because you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Take off the heat rather than increasing the pressure, as in a pressure cooker. Don't insist on solving the problem "now" (as opposed to later when the seas are calmer) while the other person is in an agitated state; research shows that after a certain point, people are not capable of thinking correctly to solve the problem.
Tip #6 - Don't become defensive yourself by attacking back, bringing old stuff up from the distant past, or attacking the person's character or other vulnerable weak spots in their armor. This is not to say that you shouldn't stand up for yourself by sharing honest feelings, emotions and reactions to their behavior. To the contrary, often standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries correctly will diffuse anger and increase intimacy.
By contrast, defensiveness is a distancing, protective technique that usually makes things worse and impedes communication which could potentially resolve the conflict or argument. Defensive people are not open to listening, and worse, are not able to accept influence or valuable input from the other person. When you are defensive, you are essentially trying to make the other wrong while making yourself right or justified in whatever you are doing---not a good strategy if you are trying to diffuse anger!
Tip #7 - Trying to solve a problem with logic alone that has an underlying emotional issue won't work. It is like going into battle with a broken spear. It just ain't enough. Example: Married five years, Sandy and Keith constantly fought over how his father parents their children during grandparent visitations. Keith spends hours rationally pointing out the evidence and arguing that his father's parenting style will not harm the children. Does this help? No, it actually makes things worse much to the dismay of Keith. Why doesn't it help? Because the real issue is that Sandy feels unsupported by Keith and further feels he should be on "her side." Until that emotional issue is addressed and resolved, Sandy and Keith will continue to conflict over the parenting differences.
No comments:
Post a Comment